I am…so tired.
One of the things that sucks the most about having Lupus is how easily it can be triggered. I had to go to a meeting on the fourth floor of a building, only to find the elevator was out. So I had to slowly drag myself up four flights – which, to a normal person, wouldn’t be such a big deal. To me, it was an incredibly daunting task. On top of that, I work on the third floor of a building with limited elevator access – the elevator doesn’t go to my floor, so any time I need to go anywhere, it’s up and down stairs.
So I was worn out from that incredibly simple hiccup, then had two classes. One wasn’t bad – over by 8. The other isn’t over until nearly 10. I don’t get home until well after 10. That’s…really late in my world.
Not that I never stay up late, but it’s one thing to be laying in bed screwing around on my phone. It’s quite another thing to be in a classroom, trying to actively participate when I can feel myself completely shutting down.
It’s moments like that when I wonder, can I actually get a PhD? I want to keep working, because I don’t know if I’ll be able to work outside of home forever. Having a PhD in my field would help me in the future, as I could do consulting work remotely if I ever find myself unable to hold a full-time job. Which is a real possibility when you have autoimmune issues.
Thursday, between the stairs and the class, was so hard, and Friday I was dragging. My joints hurt, and I felt worn out. Then I wiped out so hard on Saturday just from walking at a leisurely pace around the zoo. Came home and pretty much crashed the rest of the day.
How…am I going to do this? How…the fuck…am I going to do this? This is just the first week…it hadn’t even gotten hard yet.
This is where chronic illness fucking sucks – I deal with the flares and times I don’t feel well better than I deal with the realization that this illness means there are things I can’t do. It’s when I feel limited that I really start to get depressed.
But we’re going into a new week, and all I can do is take it one day at a time. My goal right now is just to get through this quarter. One week down, nine more to go.